Sunday, November 2

Best. McCain. Rant. Ever!

And this comes from a former Conservative , now voting this year for Barack Obama - and it's not about Barack, it's about Bush, McCain and Palin.

When I turned 18, I made my family proud and registered to vote as a Republican. I could not have fathomed the political rollercoaster that awaited me.

Four years ago on election night I jostled for position around the bar in the band room of our fraternity house, it was like watching a road game. Almost all of us voted for Bush, including me, except for one die hard kerry supporter we were sure to mock every time they called a state for our boy dubya. Poor guy. He was the only one not drinking and I'm pretty sure I called him a "fucking pansy" a few times. I've tried to forget the other mindless drivel that shitted itself out of my mouth about Kerry; thank you very much to the winning combination of poor critical thinking skills + televised propaganda.

Two years ago, long after the reality of our foreign policy predicament was depressingly clear, I voted a straight blue ticket. If it were an option, I would've voted a straight "not-red" ticket. I kept my registration checked "Republican," for ideological reasons, namely my advocacy for smaller government, which I still feel is best.

Less than a year ago, I voted for Ron Paul in the Republican primary.

Today, I voted for Barack Obama.

I'm writing this for a purely cathartic, personal reason; because I'm quite sure I'll explode if I don't vent somehow, in someway, about this almost virally infectious political season.


Am I the only one who is locked in some horrifying political Orwellian nightmare? But it isn't just a nightmare, it's a crazy, quantum "what the fuck" circus nightmare of a nightmare. The kind of things nightmares have nightmares about when they're not being nightmares.... I honestly have no idea where to begin, or where I am, for that matter. Let's just pick something at random. How about that horrendous three word noun that has been force-fed to my cerebral cortex.
Did somebody say "Joe the Plumber?"

Sweet Slidin' Jesus on a stripper pole what in the fuck is going on with Joe the Plumber? Truth be told I sent my mother a link to that video Before the debates. I had decided on my vote a few months prior and after seeing the video I sent it to my mom, I felt it showed my candidate practically applying the rhetoric of his campaign to a real world situation, and I wanted her to see it. Maybe she'll mention it to her friends, I thought. "Bulletproof." I felt vindicated about my presumption of his commitment and intelligence, and importantly to me he didn't come across as a politician....and I abhor politicians. Now I'm going to jump ahead here, past my shock at the unpredictable ascendancy of Joe the Plumber in the public eye, and for the sake of argument, just go along with me. Forget the fact that the conversation revealed a depth of understanding by Obama about the application of economic policy, forget that the hypothetical scenario being discussed very likely would end up better for "joe" under Obama's plan than McCain's, forget that Joe's name is Sam, forget that Joe was stretching the truth at the very best and being a schilling-douche at worst (Uncle Keating, was it?)...forget everything. Everything except for the fact that this political tool now has a PUBLICIST and is attempting a COUNTRY RECORD DEAL. This is the point that a casual political observer would glibly offer the cliche pronouncement that, "You can't write this stuff." Well that's just incorrect. YOU CAN ONLY WRITE THIS STUFF. The real question is What the Fuck is it doing in my reality? I mean seriously, how is this happening in the actual universe? The only answer is that we exist in a pocket of space time that is dictated by the whims of an author of political satire writing his brilliant masterpiece, "Thank God We Don't Live There: A Novel about Political Inanity." You think it can't get worse, and then.......

BAM! Sarah Palin!

Everyone together with me now....."What. The. Fuck." I have never been so insulted in my life. You know what made me turn on Bush? No WMDs in Iraq and suspending Habeus Corpus didn't help, sure.... But somewhere along the way, I became convinced that I could do a better job. I'm betting some of you know the feeling well. I wasn't even 21 when I first had that thought, but I was convinced I could be a better President than the man sitting in the oval office, and that realization was devastating. I was just starting to figure the world out and somehow I found myself demonstrably smarter than the man in charge of the free world? Put a different way, this fucking idiot has the launch codes? And just when I thought I couldn't lower the bar any lower for the highest office in the land for the country I'd die for, in comes a tv-anchor/beauty-pageant-winner/crytal-meth-capital-book-banning-mayor gliding in on her helicopter fresh off an aerial hunt for wolves, and all of the sudden George Bush looks like Norman Borlaug, and I'm trying to kill myself with a wooden spoon to the ear. Man walked with dinosaurs, no global warming, witchcraft! Take your pick. Apparently if you believe one crazy thing, the media will harp on it until you're extinct, yet if you believe a hundred crazy things, you somehow become immune to criticism. If, just last year, 365 days ago, you would have asked me to give a list of ideas that would categorically disqualify someone for the office of President of the United States, I swear to God "man walking with dinosaurs" is number 8. The next time you're near a time machine and want to make someone cry, go back to about a year ago and tell me my number 8 is wrong. Matter of fact, if you want to be nice about it, kick me in the balls for 5 hours and then tell me number 8 is wrong, at least then I'd have something to distract me from the pain.

I could go on, but I won't, I'll simply leave you with this. If only because the title of this diary likely leaves you wondering why I voted the way I did, so here goes...

I believe in small government. I believe that our constitution is the greatest achievement in the history of humanity, born our of the spurns of the Enlightenment, a monument to secular rule, civilized dissent, and individual liberty. Yet, when I entered the voting booth today, I didn't base my vote on policy, or ideology, or affiliation. I didn't vote in the hopes of a bigger government, or a more liberal social policy, or for the advancement of a political party. I didn't vote "for" a Democrat or "for" a Republican or "against" the greater of two evils. I didn't vote to change our policy in Iraq, or to get troops into or out of Afghanistan, or to give homosexuals the right to marry or to ban prayer in schools. I didn't vote for experience and I didn't vote for change. I voted for the one thing that has been categorically absent for as long as I can remember noticing: Reason. Anybody can latch on to policies and advance them blindly on faith alone, both sides of the aisle have demonstrated that for decades, but for the first time in my life I feel like I have a leader who would listen to an argument and actually change his position if he were wrong. Naive? Maybe. But what an inspiringly audacious Hope it is.

It may seem small, but after living in this circus for entirely too long, it's everything. Now go vote so we can take this fucking tent down.



Amen, brother Amen.

Orifinal Version Posted Here

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